Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
