What a fucking waste of an outfit
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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