This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
