if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
