Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
