mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
