oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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