I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
