Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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