You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
