Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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