You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
