If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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