when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
