i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
