the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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