Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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