Are we in a gay sports bar?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
