i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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