So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
