i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
