She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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