I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I stole a fireplace last night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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