i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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