I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
