i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
