I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
