he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
