so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
