I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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