Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
