Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
