It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
