My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
