well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
