I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
