dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
