You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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