Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
