eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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