I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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