My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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