apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
