I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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