Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
