My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
