How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
