if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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