I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
