remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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