the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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